This Weight I've Gained

When I returned home from university, the first thing I did was approach the scale in my parents’ bathroom.

My first year of college had brought me to my knees. The demanding workload and high-stakes, competitive grading system made for a toxic blend of overwhelm and fear that plagued me nearly every day that classes were in session.

Ordinarily, I would consider myself rather skillful in the art of handling stressful environments. Living deliberately and intentionally is a lifestyle I’ve tried to lead since my early teens. Meditation, mindfulness, and self-awareness are all mental practices with which I have substantial experience. However, it seemed nothing could have prepared me for the arrant anxiety that college introduced into my life.

To be honest, living in a state of perpetual anxiety isn’t (at least for me) completely unbearable. In fact, my passion for becoming a secondary educator is such that it actually seems a small price to pay compared to my love of teaching. Nonetheless, the side effects of this intense anxiety are a different story.

Physical health and fitness are among the most important parts of who I am. By the time I was twenty I had sculpted the lean body of my dreams: 5′ 10″ and 135 pounds of pure muscle. My self-esteem was sky-high and I was ready to save the world. But that all changed once I entered college. Discovering it nearly impossible to find the time or the motivation to exercise, I started to put on the pounds. But failing to uphold my workout regimen wasn’t the worst of it.

When anxiety hits, we all have a place in our minds and souls that we retreat to. Some of us retreat to good memories when times were better. Some of us turn to an activity—like reading, going for a drive, or watching television—that relaxes us. And some turn to other people to regain their comfort and release. Individually, we all have strategies to deal with the disquietude that comes with life and to meet our need to feel comfort at some level. Regardless of these many ways to find relief from stress, however, the key to living a life that is congruent with who we desire to be is having strategies that both reduce our stress as well as contribute to the person we want to be.

Unfortunately, my strategy for dealing with the anxiety of college life was not one that contributed to the person I desire to be.

By the second semester of university, food had become my only relief from the storm. I was quite literally eating every hour of the day. When I wasn’t working on an assignment for school or studying for a test, I was stuffing more food into my gaping maw.

I knew I had gained a lot of weight from my reliance on food for pleasure: the only question was “how much?”

When I finally summoned the courage to open my eyes, the digital display of the scale read, “174 POUNDS.”

I was horrified.

Although I had gained 39 pounds, the weight upon my soul could not be quantified by any mere number.

The pain I feel is indescribable, but I also understand that I can’t change the past—only the present.

This desire to lose the weight I’ve gained has become the new central pursuit of my life. It is the ultimate test of my strength of will and ability to exact change in my life.

The only response to my newfound predicament of which I can reasonably conceive is that if I can’t lose the weight, I can’t expect to succeed in any life pursuit.

I am burning all bridges behind me as of this moment. I have to lose the weight.